FUNNY CHRISTMAS JOKES
Funny Christmas jokes - actors
Two actors-Santa Clauses talk:
- Would you come and congratulate my family during this Christmas?
- Why can't you do that yourself?
- I charge a lot...
Funny Christmas jokes - Guitar
- Here is your Christmas present! - said father giving the guitar to his son.
- Thank you! But wait, why it has no strings?!
- Not everything at once, my son, learn to play at first and then we'll buy the strings...
Funny Christmas jokes - Present
Father once bought his children a pack of batteries for Christmas with a note on
it "Toys are not included".
Funny Christmas jokes - Similarity
What is similar between Christmas and a work-day in the office?
You do the whole work, but the big guy in costume makes a merit of it.
Funny Christmas jokes - the culprit
In Christmas eve the judge, being in a really good mood, asks the culprit:
- So what have you been accused of?
- I've been accused of the early shopping of Christmas gifts.
- But that isn't a crime - says the judge - when did you start shopping?
- Before the shop opened...
Funny Christmas jokes - 100$
In an elevator of extremely luxurious hotel three men are standing - an honest politician, a kind-hearted lawyer and a Santa Clause. When the elevator stops and the door opens, they all notice 100$ on the floor.
Guess: who of those three men took the banknote?
The Santa Clause, of course, because the first two do not exist.
Funny Christmas jokes - Chinese fireworks
I really enjoyed the Chinese fireworks that you have presented me the last year. This year I'm expecting from you two fingers.
Funny Christmas Jokes - Cheerful
Why is Santa Claus always so cheerful? Because he knows where the bad girls live.
Funny Christmas jokes - who is Santa Claus
Son asks his single mother:
- Mom, who is my dad?
- Santa Claus - angrily answers mother.
- How is it? - Son asks suprised.
- He comes at night, leaves a gift and nobody sees him anymore...
Funny Christmas jokes - Postmen
A Week before the Christmas. Peter wrote a letter to Santa Claus and threw it in
the mail box. Postmen got letter and do not know where to send it so opened and
"Dear Santa Claus, this Christmas I'd love to get a teddy bear, a construction and water-based paints".
Postmen were not happy, because there is no Santa Claus and Peter will receive no gift. They decided to gather some money, buy and send Peter gifts, he has asked in his letter. But it happened that they got enought money for teddy and constructor, but not enough for paints. They decided to send Peter incomplete package with only two gifts.
The day after Christmas Peter again wrote a letter to Santa and the postmen opened and read:
"Dear Santa Claus, thank you for the wonderful teddy bear and constructor! Unfortunately, I did not get water-based paints. Probably the postmen have stolen It".
Funny Christmas jokes - Jesus Christ
A teacher in a school decided to check whether students know anything about religion and Jesus Christ. He asks the students:
- Do you know where Jesus Christ is today?
Tom says: in heaven
Mary adds: in my heart
Little Johnny stands up and shouts: I know where he is - in the bathroom.
Whole class goes silent. Teacher asks little Johnny in surprise: Why do you think so, Johnny?
- Every morning when my father wakes up, he shouts by the bathroom door: Jesus Christ, you're still there!!!
Funny Christmas jokes - programmers
Two programmers talking:
- I feel so good, Christmas is here again!
- Great, and it's even better than sex.
- You see, Christmas comes more often.
Funny Christmas jokes - sex
- What do you prefer: Christmas or sex?
- Sex, but Christmas happens more often!
Funny Christmas jokes - new job
What I dislike about company's Christmas party is looking for a new job next day.
Funny Christmas jokes - a present
Peter wrote to Santa Claus:
"Please send me a brother".
Santa Claus answer:
"No problem. Send me your mommy".
Funny Christmas jokes - bad girls
Why Santa is always so happy?
Because he knows where the bad girls live.
Funny Christmas jokes - promotion
At computer shop the staff is changing laptops prices from 4000$ to 2000$.
A man passes through and asks:
-Tell me, why they are getting so cheaper?
-So Christmas promotion is over!
Funny Christmas jokes - Santa on call
Santa Claus prices:
Santa Claus - 50 USD.
Snowmaiden and Santa Claus - 100 USD.
Snowmaiden without Santa Claus - 200 USD.
Funny Christmas jokes - belief
Santa Claus comes to the psychiatrist:
- Doctor, please help me, I do not believe in myself!
Funny Christmas jokes - the eternal question
Father tells his son in kindergarten during Christmas festival:
- Son, you're already big and you need to know that Santa Claus does not exist. I pretended to be him.
- Father, I knew that long time ago. And you were the stork as well?
Funny Christmas jokes - Santa Claus
There are three men maturation stages:
- He believes in Santa Claus.
- He does not believe in Santa Claus anymore.
- He is a Santa Claus.