FUNNY JOKES ABOUT AND BY MEN, HUSBAND
Funny jokes about husband - Remarry
A husband asks his wife:
- If I die, will you remarry?
- Of course no, darling, I will stay with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?
- No, I will also stay with your sister.
Funny jokes about men - Washing
A man is intensively washing his jeans, mumbling:
- You cannot trust anyone these days! Not a single person! Even yourself... I was only trying to fart.
Jokes about men - Good times/bad times
During the hard times a man always looks for a woman. During the good times, he looks for the second one..
A husband asks his wife:
- If I die, will you remarry?
- Of course no, darling, I will stay with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?
- No, I will also stay with your sister.
Funny jokes about men - Washing
A man is intensively washing his jeans, mumbling:
- You cannot trust anyone these days! Not a single person! Even yourself... I was only trying to fart.
Jokes about men - Good times/bad times
During the hard times a man always looks for a woman. During the good times, he looks for the second one..
Funny jokes about men - A dog
A wife tries to teach the dog to sit up. After a few fails her husband tells:
- Darling, forget it, you won't succeed...
- Don't worry - replies his wife - in the begining it was difficult with you as well.
Jokes about men - Birthday present
Two ladies talk:
- I have congratulated my husband with his birthday - I presented him with the set of spoon-baits
- What a great idea and logic idea - your husband has been going to fish every weekend for the last ten years.
- Indeed. But the problem is that he looked at the set of those spoon-baits and asked what it is...
Jokes about men - Marriage
A couple is celebrating their 30 years anniversary of marriage. The husband asks his wife:
- We have grown 12 kids. But Johnny is different from the rest. Please, tell me honestly, I will forgive you, but I wanna know – maybe you have cheated on me?
The wife replies:
- Yes, I was. Johnny is your real son...
Jokes about men - A box
After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and 14000$.
In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:
- Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
- You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…
The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…
- And why do you keep the 14000$ there?
- Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.
Jokes about men - Search
In the beginning she was looking for a man over the internet, and now – over the Interpol.
A wife tries to teach the dog to sit up. After a few fails her husband tells:
- Darling, forget it, you won't succeed...
- Don't worry - replies his wife - in the begining it was difficult with you as well.
Jokes about men - Birthday present
Two ladies talk:
- I have congratulated my husband with his birthday - I presented him with the set of spoon-baits
- What a great idea and logic idea - your husband has been going to fish every weekend for the last ten years.
- Indeed. But the problem is that he looked at the set of those spoon-baits and asked what it is...
Jokes about men - Marriage
A couple is celebrating their 30 years anniversary of marriage. The husband asks his wife:
- We have grown 12 kids. But Johnny is different from the rest. Please, tell me honestly, I will forgive you, but I wanna know – maybe you have cheated on me?
The wife replies:
- Yes, I was. Johnny is your real son...
Jokes about men - A box
After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and 14000$.
In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:
- Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
- You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…
The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…
- And why do you keep the 14000$ there?
- Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.
Jokes about men - Search
In the beginning she was looking for a man over the internet, and now – over the Interpol.
Jokes about men - Pants
Two men talk:
- The thing which I would like the most to do now is go back home and tear off the pants of my wife.
- WOW man, you’re relationship with wife is still so passionate, right?
- Not really, her pants got my balls in a choke hold.
Jokes about men - Fishing
Wife to husband:
- Honey, Robert called you.
- What did he want.
- He asked to pass the message to you that you will not go fishing tomorrow.
- Why not?
- Because the bar was closed for the repair works.
Two men talk:
- The thing which I would like the most to do now is go back home and tear off the pants of my wife.
- WOW man, you’re relationship with wife is still so passionate, right?
- Not really, her pants got my balls in a choke hold.
Jokes about men - Fishing
Wife to husband:
- Honey, Robert called you.
- What did he want.
- He asked to pass the message to you that you will not go fishing tomorrow.
- Why not?
- Because the bar was closed for the repair works.
Funny jokes about men - About to become a father
John is getting ready to become a father – he has changed his phone number and living address.
Jokes about men - Face powder
In the evening a lady sent her husband to buy some cigarettes. He went to a kiosk, but it was closed? What he should do now? He notices a bar around the corner. He comes into a bar, buys cigarettes. He looks around and notices a young lady with a perfect body. What a beautiful body! Perfect curly hear! Waw..
A man orders beer and sits down at her table… Then he orders cognac for both of them… then beer again, and cognac again..
Suddenly he wakes up. 3 am. Where is he? Oooops, naked in the bed with the girl!
A man tells her:
- Do you have face powder?
Lady:
- I do.
- Give me some of it.
A man quickly rubs his hands with a face powder and runs back home. His wife opens the door and asks?
- Hey bastard, where have you been?
- You see, I went to a shop – it was closed. Then I went into a bar nearby and found a pretty lady there. I drank beer, cognac, beer, then cognac again.. I woke up at 3 am in her bed!..
Wife tells him:
- Wait wait… show me your hands, you bastard!.. I see you’ve been playing bowling all night long again!...
John is getting ready to become a father – he has changed his phone number and living address.
Jokes about men - Face powder
In the evening a lady sent her husband to buy some cigarettes. He went to a kiosk, but it was closed? What he should do now? He notices a bar around the corner. He comes into a bar, buys cigarettes. He looks around and notices a young lady with a perfect body. What a beautiful body! Perfect curly hear! Waw..
A man orders beer and sits down at her table… Then he orders cognac for both of them… then beer again, and cognac again..
Suddenly he wakes up. 3 am. Where is he? Oooops, naked in the bed with the girl!
A man tells her:
- Do you have face powder?
Lady:
- I do.
- Give me some of it.
A man quickly rubs his hands with a face powder and runs back home. His wife opens the door and asks?
- Hey bastard, where have you been?
- You see, I went to a shop – it was closed. Then I went into a bar nearby and found a pretty lady there. I drank beer, cognac, beer, then cognac again.. I woke up at 3 am in her bed!..
Wife tells him:
- Wait wait… show me your hands, you bastard!.. I see you’ve been playing bowling all night long again!...
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Jokes about men - The fridge
When a husband stays alone for the night, the fridge gets over 100 views in just a few hours. Funny jokes about men - Clever men Men are clever - the idea of "ladies first'' is for them to look at the ass. Funny jokes about men - dress well Few men know how to dress well, and the rest like women. Funny jokes about men: In a forest If a man speaks his mind in a forest, but no woman hears him, is he still wrong? |
Funny jokes about men: wife
Doc to a patient:
- How did this happened?
- My wife kicked me out...
- But it's not worth it to jump out of 2nd floor.
- Doc, you didn't understand me. She kicked me out, literally.
Funny jokes about men - @ hospital
Doctor:
- Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst!
Wife:
- Oh God, will he die?
Doctor:
- No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer!
Funny jokes about husband - tie me
Two friends chating. John tells his friend:
- You know, once I return home from work and I find my wife sitting on a chair dressed in transparent underwear. And she tells me: "tie me and do whatever you want". So I tied her and went fishing.
Funny jokes about husband - Resume
I have found the resume of my husband from the kindergarden. Quote: the kid is very social, eats, sleeps and plays a lot. 30 years have passed since then - nothing has changed.
Funny jokes about husband - Housekeeping
The most helpful tool in housekeeping is the guilty husband.
Funny jokes about husband - Drunk
A man drank - forgot everything, a woman drank - reminded everything.
Doc to a patient:
- How did this happened?
- My wife kicked me out...
- But it's not worth it to jump out of 2nd floor.
- Doc, you didn't understand me. She kicked me out, literally.
Funny jokes about men - @ hospital
Doctor:
- Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst!
Wife:
- Oh God, will he die?
Doctor:
- No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer!
Funny jokes about husband - tie me
Two friends chating. John tells his friend:
- You know, once I return home from work and I find my wife sitting on a chair dressed in transparent underwear. And she tells me: "tie me and do whatever you want". So I tied her and went fishing.
Funny jokes about husband - Resume
I have found the resume of my husband from the kindergarden. Quote: the kid is very social, eats, sleeps and plays a lot. 30 years have passed since then - nothing has changed.
Funny jokes about husband - Housekeeping
The most helpful tool in housekeeping is the guilty husband.
Funny jokes about husband - Drunk
A man drank - forgot everything, a woman drank - reminded everything.
Funny jokes about husband - Habbit
My EX had one very annoying habbit - breathing.
Funny jokes about husband - Hunting
Man returns from hunting, and says:
- Honey, we won't buy meat for the whole month.
- You shot an elk?
- No, I drank away all money.
Funny jokes about husband - Monster of Lohneso
A tourist at the trip to Loh-Ness Lake, asks a guide:
- Tell me, when the monster of Lohneso appears to people?
- Usually, after five, six mugs sir...
My EX had one very annoying habbit - breathing.
Funny jokes about husband - Hunting
Man returns from hunting, and says:
- Honey, we won't buy meat for the whole month.
- You shot an elk?
- No, I drank away all money.
Funny jokes about husband - Monster of Lohneso
A tourist at the trip to Loh-Ness Lake, asks a guide:
- Tell me, when the monster of Lohneso appears to people?
- Usually, after five, six mugs sir...
Funny jokes about husband - More
Peter returns home totaly drunk from vodka. Obviously his wife gets angry at him
and says:
- Well, Peter, Peter, how much did you drink...
Peter: - I'm sorry, I could't any more...
Funny jokes about husband - Vehicle
Three men die and come to the gate. St. Peter says:
-From now on all men will travel to paradise, and let them in. St. Peter comes to the first and asks how many times he was unfaithful? First men estimates about 20 times. St. Peter says: - Here is you an old car to ride in the paradise.
Asks the second:
-How many times you were unfaithful? Second response: -10 times.
St.Peter gives him the Mersedes to ride in the paradise. Comes to the third one and
asks: -Well and how many times you were unfaithful. Men responses: -Mr. Peter,
I loved my wife very much and I was faithful to her all my life. St. Peter does
not believe, looks seriously at his book and notice that man doesn't lie. So for
his loyalty he gives him Jaguar to ride on the sky.
After some time St. Peter mets the third man with the Jaguar, who looks all upset and unhappy. -What happened to you, you have Jaguar, why you look so upset?, ask ST. Peter. The man response: -You see, after half a year I met my wife, you know I do ride with the Jaguar, while she only with roller skating...
Funny jokes about husband - Oldest profession
An old man meets a lady in the sanatorium and tells her:
- I'm the representative of oldest profession. I Sleep for money.
- ??
- I am a guard...
Peter returns home totaly drunk from vodka. Obviously his wife gets angry at him
and says:
- Well, Peter, Peter, how much did you drink...
Peter: - I'm sorry, I could't any more...
Funny jokes about husband - Vehicle
Three men die and come to the gate. St. Peter says:
-From now on all men will travel to paradise, and let them in. St. Peter comes to the first and asks how many times he was unfaithful? First men estimates about 20 times. St. Peter says: - Here is you an old car to ride in the paradise.
Asks the second:
-How many times you were unfaithful? Second response: -10 times.
St.Peter gives him the Mersedes to ride in the paradise. Comes to the third one and
asks: -Well and how many times you were unfaithful. Men responses: -Mr. Peter,
I loved my wife very much and I was faithful to her all my life. St. Peter does
not believe, looks seriously at his book and notice that man doesn't lie. So for
his loyalty he gives him Jaguar to ride on the sky.
After some time St. Peter mets the third man with the Jaguar, who looks all upset and unhappy. -What happened to you, you have Jaguar, why you look so upset?, ask ST. Peter. The man response: -You see, after half a year I met my wife, you know I do ride with the Jaguar, while she only with roller skating...
Funny jokes about husband - Oldest profession
An old man meets a lady in the sanatorium and tells her:
- I'm the representative of oldest profession. I Sleep for money.
- ??
- I am a guard...
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Funny jokes about husband - Neighbors
Wife says to her husband: - What a beautiful couple is our neighbors: he constantly hugs, kisses her, says nice words. Why don't you behave like him? - Why don't I? I do not know her. Funny jokes about husband - Finger My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I did - the middle one. Funny jokes about husband - Wifes If you were betrayed by your love, you shouldn't raise a row for your wife. |
Funny jokes about husband - Newspaper
Wife:
- I wish I was a newspaper - so I would be in your hands all day long.
Husband:
- I also wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day.
Funny jokes about husband - Girlfriends
A wife asks her husband:
- Did you have any girlfriends before you married me?
The husband sits silently.
His wife asks again:
- What is this silence supposed to mean?
Husband answers:
- Wait.. I’m counting...
Wife:
- I wish I was a newspaper - so I would be in your hands all day long.
Husband:
- I also wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day.
Funny jokes about husband - Girlfriends
A wife asks her husband:
- Did you have any girlfriends before you married me?
The husband sits silently.
His wife asks again:
- What is this silence supposed to mean?
Husband answers:
- Wait.. I’m counting...
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Funny jokes about husband - Thinking
Nowadays ladies think how to feed babies, and men – where did the mammoths go. Funny jokes about husband - Real man Real man would always lead their wife to a train. To make sure that she left. Funny jokes about husband - First or second Two man talking: - Have you heard, John has married a widow? - I would never want to be the second husband for a widow. - Would you prefer to be the first one? |
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Funny jokes about husband - Leaflet
Man goes down the street and sees hanging leaflet on the top of the pole. Man
walks around, but could not read what is written there. Somehow he gets to the
top and reads: "Caution - Painted".
Funny jokes about husband - Welcome
A husband returns home at night. Opens the door and in front of him his wife is standing with the frying pan in her hands.
Husband: "You better go to sleep, Lucy, I'm not hungry!
Funny jokes about husband - One night
Can a man make love with one hundred ladies in one night? Yes, if it’s a Polar
night.
Funny jokes about husband - Minister
Do you know what is the difference between a man and a Minister? A man never
knows who is substituting him.
Funny jokes about husband - Good job
Husband to his wife in the morning:
- Darling, yesterday evening in one hour I have repaired the roof of our house and the car.
- Really, I thought Viagra has a different effect.
Man goes down the street and sees hanging leaflet on the top of the pole. Man
walks around, but could not read what is written there. Somehow he gets to the
top and reads: "Caution - Painted".
Funny jokes about husband - Welcome
A husband returns home at night. Opens the door and in front of him his wife is standing with the frying pan in her hands.
Husband: "You better go to sleep, Lucy, I'm not hungry!
Funny jokes about husband - One night
Can a man make love with one hundred ladies in one night? Yes, if it’s a Polar
night.
Funny jokes about husband - Minister
Do you know what is the difference between a man and a Minister? A man never
knows who is substituting him.
Funny jokes about husband - Good job
Husband to his wife in the morning:
- Darling, yesterday evening in one hour I have repaired the roof of our house and the car.
- Really, I thought Viagra has a different effect.
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