FUNNY JOKES ABOUT DOCTORS, MEDICINE

Funny medical jokes - Smile
A note on dentists' door: "Smile. You might be doing this for the last time".

Medical jokes - Examination
A young guy comes to a doctor. After examination the doctor says:
- So, we will have to cut one of your lungs. 
The guy is astonished and tells:
- But doctor, my lungs have always been great, I have never had any problems with them.
- I see it myself. But your liver have no room anymore.

Funny medical jokes - LSD
A grandson asks his grandma:
- Hey grandma, haven't you seen my LSD tabs?
Grandma replies:
- Forget those tabs. Have you seen that dragoon in the kitchen?

Medical jokes - Sex
A doctor asks a patient:
- Sir, were you using a condom during the last time you had sex?
- Doctor, what do you mean by “the last time”? 

Medical jokes - Radiation
Three indicators that you have a radiation sickness
1. You are losing hair
2. Your skin is turning red
3. Your grave is bleak

Medical jokes - Eyesight
- What’s your eyesight?
- -5
- That must be cold..

Funny medical jokes - Pulling out a tooth
Dentist: 
- Don’t worry, it will take me only a minute to pull your tooth out.
Patient: 
- And how much will it cost me?
- 100$.
- For a 1 minute job?!
- If you prefer, I can be pulling it out for one hour...

Funny medical jokes - In a hospital
A patient asks a doctor in a hospital:
- Doc, what has happened to me?
- Don't know, but the anatomy will reveal it.

Funny medical jokes - Carrots 
- Doc, is it true, that if I ate a lot of carrots, I won't need glasses?
- Sure, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Funny medical jokes - Cosmetic surgery
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.

Funny medical jokes - Reanimation 
A phone rings in a reanimation room:
- Excuse  me, is John still alive?
- Still not.

Funny medical jokes - French patient
A French woman comes to the doctor. Doc:
- Madam, I have some great news for you.
- I'm Mademoiselle, not madam, please.
- Mademoiselle, I have to upset you - you're pregnant.

Funny medical jokes - Poison
Doc to a patient:
- There are no doubts - you have been poisoned!
- For goodness' sake, With what, Doc?
- Don't worry, we'll find that out during dissection...

Funny medical jokes - @ psychiatrist 
At psychiatrist:
- Do you consume alcohol?
- No.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you use drugs?
- No.
- Do you play cards?
- No.
- Do you run after other women?
- No.
- So why did you come to me?
- You see, doc, I have one little problem - I lie a lot...

Funny medical jokes - prepare your husband
Doctor:
- Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst!
Wife:
- Oh God, will he die?
Doctor:
- No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer!

Medical jokes - drive to maternity hospital
A woman gets into a taxi and asks:
- To maternity hospital, please..
After a while she asks the driver:
- Do not drive so fast, please, I'm simply working there.

Medical jokes - ears and nose
In a hospital:
- do you have any problems with you ears or nose?
- Yes, doc?
- They hurt?
- No, they impede when I'm trying to put on a sweater.

In clinics:
- Excuse me, are you a gynecologist?
- No, but I can have a look at it.

Doc to a patient:
- Please, bend your knee.
- Which way, doc?

- Doc, we have lost our patient.
- What happened?
- He recovered.
Remember, when you are wishing your friends good health, you are wishing unemployment for doctors.

How can you recognize a gynecologist? He's wearing a watch above his elbow.

New Russian says to a doctor after he gives his diagnosis:
- Doc, you have to make the decision. Either I will live or you will die....

Doctor tells to patient: 
- I have some bad news and worse news.
Patient: 
- What is it, doctor?
Doctor: 
- The laboratory test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: 
- Oh my God!
Doctor: 
- The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

- Doctor, this bucket has a hole. Would you please repair it? 
- Are you stupid! Do you know who I am?
- Yes I do – you are specialist in plastic surgery…

A patient comes to a doctor:
- Doc, I think I'm allergic - when I wake up with boots, I feel terrible headache.

A psychiatrist congratulates his patient with a progress in treatment. 
The patient: Do you really call it a progress? Six months ago I was a Napoleon and now I am nobody.

A doctor of a small village drives a car at 150 km/h. His wife:
- Honey, why are you driving so fast - there might be a policeman around the corner and he would stop you.
- Don't worry, darling, yesterday I told him to stay in bed.

Wife returns from the clinics and tells her husband:
- The doctor recommended me to spend one month at the sea, two weeks in the countryside and go for one week abroad. Where will you take me first?
- To another doctor...

- I drink beer to easy the digestion. I drink liqueur to expand blood vessels. I drink vodka for disinfection.  
- And do you drink water?
- No, I don't have such a disease.

I won’t go to doctor today – I don’t feel well enough.
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